Tag: deployment

Day 20

Dear deployed boyfriend,

You’ve been gone almost 3 weeks, and will be home in 3 weeks. Seems such a short amount time doesn’t it, to most people. “Oh he’ll be home soon” they say, meaning well. And yes you will, but 3 weeks more without you is really challenging! As the previous 3 weeks have been. I think what people fail to understand is the cumulative aspect of you being away – each day is hard, and it isn’t getting easier.

It gets harder as we move away from the last time I saw you, kissed you, hugged you, slept next to you, laughed with you, held your hand, made you a cup of tea, shared a meal with you. All of the small, simple things that hold us together. Hold me together.

Without you here, I feel adrift. I feel untethered. I feel a bit lost. Noone makes me as happy as you do, no-one makes me feel as safe as you do, no-one loves me like you do. And days and days without that breaks my heart a little.

Because I see what we could be, and what we could have, and I feel incredibly frustrated. I want the everyday with you, I want the family life and the memories and the mornings with you, I want the goodnight kisses and the middle of the night cuddles. I want the cups of tea in bed with our kids driving us round the bend. I want it all, and I want it with you. Now. Forever.

Don’t you want that too?

All my love xxxxx

Day 15

Dear deployed boyfriend,

I really ought to stop writing that because you’re not my boyfriend but its a habit now!

We spoke this morning, although really I think 02:30am really is the middle of the night. And to be honest I was really happy to hear from you, to speak to you, even if you had had 3 beers and were quite sleepy. Because it’s you, and I’ll take any opportunity to talk to the person I love most in the world.

I am though, quite fucked off with you. Rational? I dunno. But I am.

You initially text me earlier in the evening, at a more reasonable hour, but I was asleep so I didn’t see it. In the message, you proposed calling me at 23:30, and I can only assume you didn’t as I hadn’t responded? Why the fuck you then decided to call at 0230 instead is beyond me, as either way you’d be waking me up but 23:30 is much more reasonable.

So firstly, you fucking woke me up in the middle of the night, and then half an hour in you abruptly were just like ‘I really just want to go to bed’ like it’s my fault you were sleepy and a bit tipsy at 0300am, which I thought was incredibly rude and totally thoughtless – I also wanted to go to sleep, I had been asleep in fact, but you decided to call me at a time you wanted. So that hurt me, because it was quite selfish and not thinking of me or what I wanted.

And then you’ve gone, I presume to sea, without so much as a goodbye text. It takes what, seconds to type ‘Off to the boat. Will email when I can. Love you xx’ but apparently that’s just too much trouble.

Honestly I’m just pissed off at how selfish you have been. No thought or consideration to me, just you you you.

I love you, but also, fuck you.

Day 14

Dear deployed boyfriend,

I really miss you.

I had forgotten how exhausting it is missing someone, feeling like I’m carrying around this weight everyday. I really want to just put it down, it hurts to carry and it hurts knowing I’ve got weeks yet till I can.

When you last emailed, 5 days ago, you mentioned how busy and overworked you were, and so I hope you’ve now entered a slightly calmer phase where you can get some rest and not be working 18 hours a day! I haven’t heard from you since that email, and much as before there is always that hope that today will be the day, or this email alert will be an email from you. But alas. It’s not.

And it’s just rubbish. I cannot put it plainer, it’s the worst feeling. Having someone you love go away for weeks and weeks where you can’t talk, see each other, or even be in regular contact is really hard. It hurts, in a way I can’t really verbalize. I just want to know you’re okay, and I just want you to come home. I feel so frustrated at the time we’re spending apart, life it short and its happening here and now, and you’re missing it. All of it.

I just want you home, with me. That’s all.

I love you xxxxxxx

Day 4

Hello you,

I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that we’re going through this again. You not being here, and me counting down the days yet again. Much like last time, we don’t have a fixed end date which is hard, especially under the circumstances you were deployed.

Since you left I’ve felt at times like I can’t breathe, like all of the air in the room suddenly vanishes. It’s brief, and I think is my anxiety and sadness peaking – I am incredibly sad, and I am incredibly frustrated, because I feel robbed. And I wish I could cope better, I really do. I wish I was better at containing it, but it feels like the sadness has a life of its own and its seeping into everything else.

I just miss you so much! And I would never wish that away. Even if it meant I missed you less.

I’ve been thinking about therapy a lot lately, not the intense sort I had last year, but some kind of emotional support that can help me now; not that I know of anywhere to go.

I just… miss you. So much. Getting an email from you on Sunday was nice, the wait since then has been hard. I’d kind of forgotten that bit, the desire to check constantly. I think, THINK, I’m managing it better than I was.

I can’t wait for the next email. All my love,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Here we go again…

Dear fiance,

I like writing that down.

However I don’t like that I’ve come back to this space so soon. You weren’t meant to go away again until the summer, and yet here we are in February with a potential deployment this week.

This life is hard. It’s all out of my control and that is painful to accept. I want us to make decisions about the when and where of our future, but sadly that isn’t an option – and I think I will eventually be able to make peace with it, but today isn’t that day.

It isn’t fair – and I know I’m a woman in her 30’s and I should probably be less childish and more accepting of things. But fuck it – it isn’t fair, I chose to date you but I didn’t choose the military. But I did choose you, and you chose the military. So there is that.

I can’t even make sense of this.

I don’t want this to be our life. I am fed up already of missing you.

I feel it’s inevitable you’ll go though, and so I need to speedily get my head in the space where I can cope with this.

I didn’t think we’d be back here so soon,

I love you.

xxxxxxx

 

Day 92

Dear deployed boyfriend,

This is getting no easier. I thought that it would, everyone I think assumes that the longer you’re away the more I get used to it, and I too assumed that as I adjusted the ache would disappear because it’s just a new normal.

Well it’s not normal. And it’s not getting any easier.

Its the unknown I’m not coping with. You being away is one thing, I can (and have) dealt with that the best I can and I think I’ve done okay. I go to work, I see friends although not as much as I perhaps should, I see your family, I watch films and read books. I do the things expected. But all the while, I am missing you terribly. Every second of everyday. I can imagine holding you and I am almost close to tears at how wonderful I know it’ll feel and yet I don’t have an inclining as to how long I have to wait.

I’m getting good at waiting. I’m a bit of a pro, you might say. I’ve been waiting for you since the moment you left, and I’ll continue to wait. But it is flipping HARD and exhausting and the utter silence and lack of information is driving me round the bend.

I miss you SO much. I am a bit surprised by how much – it’s driving me a bit crazy if I’m honest. When will it let up? When will you come home?

Please please come home.

I love you so much,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Day 91

Dear deployed boyfriend,

Today has been a hard day. I can’t put it plainer than that.

You were meant to come home today, I have been looking forward to it more than I can explain, I had a countdown. 4 weeks. 3 weeks, 4 days. 2 weeks. And then POOF it changed in an instant.

Devastated doesn’t cover it. I miss you so much.

I keep hoping and wishing (and praying, I tried that too) that you’ll get in touch and tell me when you’ll be home. Sadly, nothing yet.

Torture. That’s all I can say it is.

I miss you more than words can say – thinking about seeing and holding you is driving me insane as it feels so close; we could be together in days. Or weeks. Or, months even – which I really REALLY hope it isn’t because I genuinely couldn’t cope. I have to believe you’ll be home in 3 weeks and 4 days. Or whatever pretense of having “it” together I’ve managed to concoct will fade into oblivion.

I’m not coping, and more time apart isn’t helping.

Please come home. Life without you in it is no life at all for me.

Missing you more and more everyday,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Day 89

Dear deployed boyfriend,

I love you so much and this time apart is, and has been, so so hard. I can’t even describe the ache in my chest everyday that you’ve been gone.

I can’t help but miss you more and more, and the not knowing when you’ll be home is just torture. I know you have a job to do, and I am so proud of you for doing it. But I need you too. I know I’m a tough cookie and a strong independent woman but I want you here, I need you here. My world and my life are a million times better when you’re here.

I never thought I could love someone like this, and miss them so much it’s like a limb is missing and yet still carry on going to work, and seeing friends and having to be normal. Nothing about this is normal!

Please come home soon. Please, I’m begging you. If I believed in God I’d send up a million prayers. I don’t want to feel like this for weeks and weeks on end.

Please come home, I miss you ever so much.

All my love,

xxxxxxxxx

Day 83

Dear deployed boyfriend,

So.

The end was near – I could almost see it. Next week was so close, the days were heading toward single figures. I was so excited, I was so ready to have you home and let the Christmas joy begin.

And then you called me, in the early hours of this morning. And it’s all broken and twisted again. You’re likely not coming home till the new year. Which means all the little things I was looking forward to have been delayed again – the moments together, the cups of tea, the face to face conversations, the cuddles, waking up next to you, watching movies together, walking along the river, kissing you – delayed. Delayed until some arbitrary point, possibly another month.

I am so sad it hurts. I have been ready for you to come home since you left, and I thought we were so close. And now it’s just been pushed back again, and I could burst I’m so angry and sad and confused.

You called me at the worst time to tell me this news – the middle of the night, and you were drunk and angry. Which meant I had to handle my own emotions, and yours too. Because you certainly didn’t take any of mine off me, you didn’t lighten my load or help me understand it. You just shouted and rallied and vented and cried – and you’re allowed to, of COURSE you are. But you didn’t give a minute of quiet, supportive kindness to feel safe and held after hearing that news. I had to hold you, listen to you, and try to think practically about what we would need to do now the plan had adjusted.

Did you hear me?

Did you hear me cry? And try to breathe? And me trying to keep calm, for you.

Did you hear me ask for you to just take a breath, to slow down and not lose your focus.

Part of me is really irrationally angry at YOU for how much I’m hurting, and for what impact this job has on me and the people who love you. Do you know that? Does it bother you? Do you even notice it makes life hard for others? Do you care?!

This is just fucking unfair. Today is the day you were meant to be home. And now we don’t even know when we’ll see each other.

I love you so much, you mean the world to me. But this is shit.

xxxxxxxxx

 

Day 75

Dear deployed boyfriend,

We had it good for a few days there. You were alongside and I could reach you more or less whenever I wanted – certainly it was hours of waiting rather than days and days. It was all I’ve wanted, really, to have a way of being in touch with you – of course, I’d much rather have you in person! But as that wasn’t, or isn’t, an option I will instead take the option of daily phone calls.

But that has gone again, as you’ve gone back to sea. And so it begins – the yearning, the wishing, the email checking.

Since I last sat down and wrote here, you’ve been delayed by another week. Which means rather than you being home a week tomorrow, it’s now 2 weeks on Thursday – not long in the grand scheme of life, but I can feel every single one of those 8 days. Its 8 more nights apart, it’s 8 more days I can’t look into your beautiful blue eyes. It’s 8 more days I don’t get to sleep next to you, wrapped in your arms. It’s 8 more days I don’t get to tell you I love you, and hear you say it back.

Christmas is coming, like a freight train it feels, and you’re not here. Oh, I wish you were here. More than you can possibly imagine. I want to plan our presents together, go ice skating, decorate the tree, countdown to the big day excitedly. Instead, I count down to you coming home and my world being complete.

I can live without you, I just don’t want to.

All my love, and more.

xxxxxxxxxx