Tag: love

Day 20

Dear deployed boyfriend,

You’ve been gone almost 3 weeks, and will be home in 3 weeks. Seems such a short amount time doesn’t it, to most people. “Oh he’ll be home soon” they say, meaning well. And yes you will, but 3 weeks more without you is really challenging! As the previous 3 weeks have been. I think what people fail to understand is the cumulative aspect of you being away – each day is hard, and it isn’t getting easier.

It gets harder as we move away from the last time I saw you, kissed you, hugged you, slept next to you, laughed with you, held your hand, made you a cup of tea, shared a meal with you. All of the small, simple things that hold us together. Hold me together.

Without you here, I feel adrift. I feel untethered. I feel a bit lost. Noone makes me as happy as you do, no-one makes me feel as safe as you do, no-one loves me like you do. And days and days without that breaks my heart a little.

Because I see what we could be, and what we could have, and I feel incredibly frustrated. I want the everyday with you, I want the family life and the memories and the mornings with you, I want the goodnight kisses and the middle of the night cuddles. I want the cups of tea in bed with our kids driving us round the bend. I want it all, and I want it with you. Now. Forever.

Don’t you want that too?

All my love xxxxx

Day 15

Dear deployed boyfriend,

I really ought to stop writing that because you’re not my boyfriend but its a habit now!

We spoke this morning, although really I think 02:30am really is the middle of the night. And to be honest I was really happy to hear from you, to speak to you, even if you had had 3 beers and were quite sleepy. Because it’s you, and I’ll take any opportunity to talk to the person I love most in the world.

I am though, quite fucked off with you. Rational? I dunno. But I am.

You initially text me earlier in the evening, at a more reasonable hour, but I was asleep so I didn’t see it. In the message, you proposed calling me at 23:30, and I can only assume you didn’t as I hadn’t responded? Why the fuck you then decided to call at 0230 instead is beyond me, as either way you’d be waking me up but 23:30 is much more reasonable.

So firstly, you fucking woke me up in the middle of the night, and then half an hour in you abruptly were just like ‘I really just want to go to bed’ like it’s my fault you were sleepy and a bit tipsy at 0300am, which I thought was incredibly rude and totally thoughtless – I also wanted to go to sleep, I had been asleep in fact, but you decided to call me at a time you wanted. So that hurt me, because it was quite selfish and not thinking of me or what I wanted.

And then you’ve gone, I presume to sea, without so much as a goodbye text. It takes what, seconds to type ‘Off to the boat. Will email when I can. Love you xx’ but apparently that’s just too much trouble.

Honestly I’m just pissed off at how selfish you have been. No thought or consideration to me, just you you you.

I love you, but also, fuck you.

Day 14

Dear deployed boyfriend,

I really miss you.

I had forgotten how exhausting it is missing someone, feeling like I’m carrying around this weight everyday. I really want to just put it down, it hurts to carry and it hurts knowing I’ve got weeks yet till I can.

When you last emailed, 5 days ago, you mentioned how busy and overworked you were, and so I hope you’ve now entered a slightly calmer phase where you can get some rest and not be working 18 hours a day! I haven’t heard from you since that email, and much as before there is always that hope that today will be the day, or this email alert will be an email from you. But alas. It’s not.

And it’s just rubbish. I cannot put it plainer, it’s the worst feeling. Having someone you love go away for weeks and weeks where you can’t talk, see each other, or even be in regular contact is really hard. It hurts, in a way I can’t really verbalize. I just want to know you’re okay, and I just want you to come home. I feel so frustrated at the time we’re spending apart, life it short and its happening here and now, and you’re missing it. All of it.

I just want you home, with me. That’s all.

I love you xxxxxxx

Day 4

Hello you,

I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that we’re going through this again. You not being here, and me counting down the days yet again. Much like last time, we don’t have a fixed end date which is hard, especially under the circumstances you were deployed.

Since you left I’ve felt at times like I can’t breathe, like all of the air in the room suddenly vanishes. It’s brief, and I think is my anxiety and sadness peaking – I am incredibly sad, and I am incredibly frustrated, because I feel robbed. And I wish I could cope better, I really do. I wish I was better at containing it, but it feels like the sadness has a life of its own and its seeping into everything else.

I just miss you so much! And I would never wish that away. Even if it meant I missed you less.

I’ve been thinking about therapy a lot lately, not the intense sort I had last year, but some kind of emotional support that can help me now; not that I know of anywhere to go.

I just… miss you. So much. Getting an email from you on Sunday was nice, the wait since then has been hard. I’d kind of forgotten that bit, the desire to check constantly. I think, THINK, I’m managing it better than I was.

I can’t wait for the next email. All my love,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Homecoming

Dear you,

Well. You are no longer deployed! And you are no longer my boyfriend!

No big messy break up, the exact opposite in fact. You asked me to marry you, and I said yes. A thousand times yes! My heart could burst actually, just thinking about it.

You’re currently on leave which I love, leaving you at home while I go back to work has been rubbish, but the joy at seeing you each evening hasn’t lessened. I wonder if it ever will?

I do know that we don’t take the little moments for granted, being able to watch a film together, cooking dinner together, waking up in each others arms.

Thank you for coming home to me.

All my love, forever,

xxxxxxx

 

Day 92

Dear deployed boyfriend,

This is getting no easier. I thought that it would, everyone I think assumes that the longer you’re away the more I get used to it, and I too assumed that as I adjusted the ache would disappear because it’s just a new normal.

Well it’s not normal. And it’s not getting any easier.

Its the unknown I’m not coping with. You being away is one thing, I can (and have) dealt with that the best I can and I think I’ve done okay. I go to work, I see friends although not as much as I perhaps should, I see your family, I watch films and read books. I do the things expected. But all the while, I am missing you terribly. Every second of everyday. I can imagine holding you and I am almost close to tears at how wonderful I know it’ll feel and yet I don’t have an inclining as to how long I have to wait.

I’m getting good at waiting. I’m a bit of a pro, you might say. I’ve been waiting for you since the moment you left, and I’ll continue to wait. But it is flipping HARD and exhausting and the utter silence and lack of information is driving me round the bend.

I miss you SO much. I am a bit surprised by how much – it’s driving me a bit crazy if I’m honest. When will it let up? When will you come home?

Please please come home.

I love you so much,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Day 91

Dear deployed boyfriend,

Today has been a hard day. I can’t put it plainer than that.

You were meant to come home today, I have been looking forward to it more than I can explain, I had a countdown. 4 weeks. 3 weeks, 4 days. 2 weeks. And then POOF it changed in an instant.

Devastated doesn’t cover it. I miss you so much.

I keep hoping and wishing (and praying, I tried that too) that you’ll get in touch and tell me when you’ll be home. Sadly, nothing yet.

Torture. That’s all I can say it is.

I miss you more than words can say – thinking about seeing and holding you is driving me insane as it feels so close; we could be together in days. Or weeks. Or, months even – which I really REALLY hope it isn’t because I genuinely couldn’t cope. I have to believe you’ll be home in 3 weeks and 4 days. Or whatever pretense of having “it” together I’ve managed to concoct will fade into oblivion.

I’m not coping, and more time apart isn’t helping.

Please come home. Life without you in it is no life at all for me.

Missing you more and more everyday,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Day 89

Dear deployed boyfriend,

I love you so much and this time apart is, and has been, so so hard. I can’t even describe the ache in my chest everyday that you’ve been gone.

I can’t help but miss you more and more, and the not knowing when you’ll be home is just torture. I know you have a job to do, and I am so proud of you for doing it. But I need you too. I know I’m a tough cookie and a strong independent woman but I want you here, I need you here. My world and my life are a million times better when you’re here.

I never thought I could love someone like this, and miss them so much it’s like a limb is missing and yet still carry on going to work, and seeing friends and having to be normal. Nothing about this is normal!

Please come home soon. Please, I’m begging you. If I believed in God I’d send up a million prayers. I don’t want to feel like this for weeks and weeks on end.

Please come home, I miss you ever so much.

All my love,

xxxxxxxxx

Day 54

Dear deployed boyfriend,

Today I looked at a photo of you and cried, quietly. I looked at your beautiful eyes and your kind smile and I felt my heart shatter at how much I miss you and how long I continue to wait for you to come home.

You have been gone 7.5 weeks – so many nights we have been apart, days and days we couldn’t communicate, where there was just space and quiet between us. While I am grateful for the emails we can send to each other, they don’t do much to keep me from missing you. It’s a brief burst of joy to see an email pop up, because for every email I’ve gotten I’ve had to look at 100 emails that aren’t from you. The relief is real, albeit brief.

Speaking to you on Sunday was wonderful, even if it was brief and windy and we couldn’t really hear each other. I have missed talking to you, and it was glorious to have that connection for even a few minutes. I just wish we had had longer; there are so many things I could have said. We had only a few minutes, so really I said everything I needed to – that I love you, and miss you, and think about you everyday, which is all you needed to hear really.

Its hard to comprehend that soon, in 29 days to be exact (as long as there are no delays), I will have you home with me in London. All the missing will be done. All the yearning and wishing and hoping and counting and crying and sadness will vanish. Poof! All because you’ll be home. You’re like magic! Thinking about holding you got me through my case last night, imagining waking up with you on Christmas morning fills me with feels and hope. I can’t wait.

29 more days.

Love you forever, and always,

xxxxxxx

Day 15

Dear deployed boyfriend,

Oh I miss you. I can’t say it plainer than that.

I have been busy and seeing friends and it’s wonderful, but all the while you’re not here to share things with, tell that joke to, come home to. Which is silly of me to be sad about as we’ve spent 2 years being apart Mon-Fri so I’m missing you on days you wouldn’t be here anyway! But I’d miss you on those days regardless of whether you’re off at sea or in the UK at work, because you’re not with me.

I like it best when you’re with me. Obviously!

It has been a relief, like an ice cold glass of water on a hot day relief, to have heard from you and received 2 emails from you. The joy I felt is indescribable. I can only say its matched by the disappointment of not knowing when the next one will come, and not having heard from you since Wednesday.

It’s hard not to worry, especially as my last email(s) included me trying to explain how wobbly and I felt and why. I was a wobbly, anxious, nervous mess and I can’t be ashamed of that or pretend it didn’t happen. I was staggered by the depth of my sadness and missing you, and it was triggered by the uncertainty of not hearing from you or knowing where you were and that you were okay. And, if I’m honest, not knowing you were missing me or thinking about me. And I am sorry for that.

I believe in us. I believe we have something strong and beautiful and being with you makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. Thinking about you makes me smile, remembering moments together brings me comfort, looking at pictures of you and us makes me feel all of the feelings. You are safe and warm and comforting and loving and funny and affectionate and clever and kind and gracious and thoughtful – I could go on and on and on. You are everything I always wanted and never thought I’d get to have.

So yes, I wobbled, but because of everything above not in spite of it. Because I was, and am, without my anchor and of course I’ll be unsteady. But I won’t capsize or sink – I am a steady ship and I will be okay.

Good boat analogy.

I will be able to explain this better in person. Don’t doubt me, because I don’t doubt us.

All my love, and more,

xxxxxx