Tag: WAGS

Day 69

Dear deployed boyfriend,

God this is hard, so hard. Harder than I can really explain. The interminable WAITING, is just torture. It feels exactly like I’m about to sit an exam, or have to go speak to a large crowd, every muscle is tense and every thought is of you.

I can’t explain it any better than that – I am stuck in this paradoxical world where you are both simultaneously coming home this weekend and not coming home this weekend.

So a small part of me is SO relieved that I will soon be able to hold you again. But the bigger, some might say more pessimistic, part of me is so afraid – afraid of the possibility you won’t be coming home, and instead you’ll be away for another long period. I don’t know if I can do this again, 9+ more weeks on top of the 9 you’ve already done? Where am I meant to find the strength and resolve? I know you’re not choosing to be away, and I know if you could choose you would simply come home, but this hurts. It hurts in a way I wish I could articulate well – it makes my stomach twist and curl, it makes breathing difficult, it makes my heart race and my palms feel sweaty. It makes me feel like I need to focus on my breathing or else it’ll just get quicker and quicker. It steals my sleep, and my rest, and time at peace. It steals my dreams, and my happy imagination.

Once I hear from you, and I know you’re safe and home I will breathe deeply and freely again. Until then, all I can do is sit, and wait, and try to breathe. Slowly. An email, a text, a fucking pigeon at this point. Just put me out of my misery, please.

Please come home. Please. I beg you.

xxxxxxxxx

Day 14

Dear deployed boyfriend,

I really miss you.

I had forgotten how exhausting it is missing someone, feeling like I’m carrying around this weight everyday. I really want to just put it down, it hurts to carry and it hurts knowing I’ve got weeks yet till I can.

When you last emailed, 5 days ago, you mentioned how busy and overworked you were, and so I hope you’ve now entered a slightly calmer phase where you can get some rest and not be working 18 hours a day! I haven’t heard from you since that email, and much as before there is always that hope that today will be the day, or this email alert will be an email from you. But alas. It’s not.

And it’s just rubbish. I cannot put it plainer, it’s the worst feeling. Having someone you love go away for weeks and weeks where you can’t talk, see each other, or even be in regular contact is really hard. It hurts, in a way I can’t really verbalize. I just want to know you’re okay, and I just want you to come home. I feel so frustrated at the time we’re spending apart, life it short and its happening here and now, and you’re missing it. All of it.

I just want you home, with me. That’s all.

I love you xxxxxxx

Day 92

Dear deployed boyfriend,

This is getting no easier. I thought that it would, everyone I think assumes that the longer you’re away the more I get used to it, and I too assumed that as I adjusted the ache would disappear because it’s just a new normal.

Well it’s not normal. And it’s not getting any easier.

Its the unknown I’m not coping with. You being away is one thing, I can (and have) dealt with that the best I can and I think I’ve done okay. I go to work, I see friends although not as much as I perhaps should, I see your family, I watch films and read books. I do the things expected. But all the while, I am missing you terribly. Every second of everyday. I can imagine holding you and I am almost close to tears at how wonderful I know it’ll feel and yet I don’t have an inclining as to how long I have to wait.

I’m getting good at waiting. I’m a bit of a pro, you might say. I’ve been waiting for you since the moment you left, and I’ll continue to wait. But it is flipping HARD and exhausting and the utter silence and lack of information is driving me round the bend.

I miss you SO much. I am a bit surprised by how much – it’s driving me a bit crazy if I’m honest. When will it let up? When will you come home?

Please please come home.

I love you so much,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Day 75

Dear deployed boyfriend,

We had it good for a few days there. You were alongside and I could reach you more or less whenever I wanted – certainly it was hours of waiting rather than days and days. It was all I’ve wanted, really, to have a way of being in touch with you – of course, I’d much rather have you in person! But as that wasn’t, or isn’t, an option I will instead take the option of daily phone calls.

But that has gone again, as you’ve gone back to sea. And so it begins – the yearning, the wishing, the email checking.

Since I last sat down and wrote here, you’ve been delayed by another week. Which means rather than you being home a week tomorrow, it’s now 2 weeks on Thursday – not long in the grand scheme of life, but I can feel every single one of those 8 days. Its 8 more nights apart, it’s 8 more days I can’t look into your beautiful blue eyes. It’s 8 more days I don’t get to sleep next to you, wrapped in your arms. It’s 8 more days I don’t get to tell you I love you, and hear you say it back.

Christmas is coming, like a freight train it feels, and you’re not here. Oh, I wish you were here. More than you can possibly imagine. I want to plan our presents together, go ice skating, decorate the tree, countdown to the big day excitedly. Instead, I count down to you coming home and my world being complete.

I can live without you, I just don’t want to.

All my love, and more.

xxxxxxxxxx

Day 11

I started this blog as a way of speaking to you, my deployed boyfriend, but haven’t found the words to say all the things I want to say. But, this is a safe space and if I can’t say it here to the relative anonymity of my own blog that I highly doubt anyone will ever read, then where can I?

So. Here goes.

Dear deployed boyfriend,

I feel angry.

I feel angry at you for wanting to do this job in the first place knowing it takes you away from me, your family & your friends. I’m angry that you were so excited to go, knowing how much I was going to miss you. I’m angry at myself for being so upset when you left, for not being putting on a brave face like you did. Some nights, I’m angry at myself for falling so in love with someone who always has one foot out the door to head back to work.

This pain in my chest is real, and visceral. It burns, and grows, and it’s full of anger and bitterness and swallowed down hurt, it’s full of all the things I want to say to you but I can’t, because you’re out of contact. I want to tell you how torturous these 11 days have been. How maddeningly silent our flat has been, how it feels colder and smaller somehow, how enormous the empty bed feels. I want to tell you how I have to force myself to cook every night, knowing I’m only serving one portion, having cooked alone and resenting the washing up I have to do by myself. How my arms ache to hold you and be next to you, because everything feels better when we’re together. How I spend each day feeling like there is this huge weight I’m carrying around, making me feel so tired and weary.

But really, I want to tell you how much I miss you. How I think about you all day, and just hope you know that I love you so much. That I you can, somehow, feel it wherever you are. I have never been so desperate to hear from someone as I am right now, repetitively checking my emails and feeling the swell  of hope when I do is almost overwhelming. I want to tell you how I feel like I wasted our last days/hours/minutes together being so sad and consumed with the thought of you leaving, and not just making the most of the time together.

I love you, I miss you, I can’t wait to see you.

I hope you get email back soon.

All my love.