Tag: new deployment

Day 14

Dear deployed boyfriend,

I really miss you.

I had forgotten how exhausting it is missing someone, feeling like I’m carrying around this weight everyday. I really want to just put it down, it hurts to carry and it hurts knowing I’ve got weeks yet till I can.

When you last emailed, 5 days ago, you mentioned how busy and overworked you were, and so I hope you’ve now entered a slightly calmer phase where you can get some rest and not be working 18 hours a day! I haven’t heard from you since that email, and much as before there is always that hope that today will be the day, or this email alert will be an email from you. But alas. It’s not.

And it’s just rubbish. I cannot put it plainer, it’s the worst feeling. Having someone you love go away for weeks and weeks where you can’t talk, see each other, or even be in regular contact is really hard. It hurts, in a way I can’t really verbalize. I just want to know you’re okay, and I just want you to come home. I feel so frustrated at the time we’re spending apart, life it short and its happening here and now, and you’re missing it. All of it.

I just want you home, with me. That’s all.

I love you xxxxxxx

Here we go again…

Dear fiance,

I like writing that down.

However I don’t like that I’ve come back to this space so soon. You weren’t meant to go away again until the summer, and yet here we are in February with a potential deployment this week.

This life is hard. It’s all out of my control and that is painful to accept. I want us to make decisions about the when and where of our future, but sadly that isn’t an option – and I think I will eventually be able to make peace with it, but today isn’t that day.

It isn’t fair – and I know I’m a woman in her 30’s and I should probably be less childish and more accepting of things. But fuck it – it isn’t fair, I chose to date you but I didn’t choose the military. But I did choose you, and you chose the military. So there is that.

I can’t even make sense of this.

I don’t want this to be our life. I am fed up already of missing you.

I feel it’s inevitable you’ll go though, and so I need to speedily get my head in the space where I can cope with this.

I didn’t think we’d be back here so soon,

I love you.

xxxxxxx